Fore!-Get About the Economy, Trump Wins Another ‘Highly Competitive’ Golf Tournament at His Own Course
In a stunning display of athletic prowess and sheer dominance over the forces of gravity, physics, and basic self-awareness, President Donald J. Trump has once again triumphed in a grueling, high-stakes golf tournament—this time at his very own Trump National Golf Club. Thousands and thousands of spectators were claimed to have cheered POTUS to victory. It was the biggest gallery ever.
That’s right, folks. While global markets imploded like a Jenga tower after his latest "Liberation Day" tariffs (because nothing says "freedom" like slapping a 60% tax on Chinese solar panels), the Commander-in-Chief was busy securing his ninth club championship. He could beat Jesus at golf with one tiny hand tied to his svelte waist.
A Test of True Grit (And Total Control Over the Scorecard)
Sources close to the event—i.e., the guy who carries his clubs and isn’t allowed to make eye contact—say Trump faced brutal competition. Some say it was the toughest field yet, consisting of:
A retired dentist who once voted for Romney.
A Mar-a-Lago member who owed him a favor.
A Secret Service agent who "mysteriously" shanked every putt on the 18th hole.
When asked how he managed to secure yet another victory, Trump reportedly shrugged and said, "I just have a natural talent. Some people are born to lead, some are born to win, and some are born to never speak a word of truth"
Priorities: Straight as a Dogleg Right
Since his second term began in January, Trump has made eight trips to Mar-a-Lago—because nothing says "I’m working for the American people" like charging the Secret Service $1,200 a night to stay at your own resort.
But don’t worry, citizens! While you’re sweating over your 401(k) turning into a 201(k), the president is hard at work ensuring his handicap stays lower than his approval ratings.
The Real Victim Here? The Word "Champion."
Let’s be clear: Winning a tournament at your own club is like being named "Employee of the Month" at your mom’s basement startup. It’s like claiming you’re a chess grandmaster because you beat your goldfish.
But hey, in Trump’s defense, it’s not easy maintaining the illusion of being good at golf when:
You’ve been filmed taking gimme puts from inside the leather.
Your "300-yard drives" are measured in Trump yards (which, like Trump University diplomas, and the number of floors in Trump tower, are mostly theoretical).
The only "bunker" you’ve ever chipped out of is the under aged party room on Epstein's island.
What’s Next?
With this latest victory, Trump is now the undisputed king of golfing at his own properties. Rumor has it his next move is to declare himself Wimbledon champion after beating Eric in a pickleball match.
So while the rest of us panic over tariffs, inflation, nuclear proliferation and the end of democracy as we know it, take comfort in knowing one thing: The leader of the free world is out there, grinding, hustling, and definitely not cheating at golf.
God bless America. And God help the guy who has to tell him mulligans aren’t real.
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