For Sale: U.S. Citizenship – Now Just $5 Million! Act Fast!

 

President Trump sports a hastily applied #4 tan on the Bronzer Scale indicating his eagerness to "close the deal" on Citizenship pricing. Hands indicate that he may have been wearing golf gloves earlier when applying the base layer, because purposely not bronzing your hands to match your face would be ludicrous.

For Sale: U.S. Citizenship – Now Just $5 Million! Act Fast! 

In a bold new economic strategy, POTUS has announced a limited-time offer—U.S. citizenship is now available for purchase at the bargain price of just $5 million per person. That’s right, folks, for less than the cost of a slightly-used private jet, you too can become an American citizen!

During a press conference held at a Mar-a-Lago-adjacent golf course (because why not), the President assured reporters that this move was a “win-win for the economy.”

“We’re making American ring Ca-Ching again,” he declared, standing beside a PowerPoint slide labeled 'Freedom Ain’t Free – But It Can Be Bought.’

In an interesting side note, the rumor is that "less tanned" (aka PSA's or Pale Skin Applicants) will be given citizenship application priority over those with darker umber skin tones, and they will be slightly discounted (78%) which has not been confirmed. The assumed reasoning for this is that the WH does not want to show favoritism to those applicants with luscious bronzed skin tones like President Trump generally sports. That wouldn't be fair. See a number 1 tan on the Bronzer Scale here: https://thebronzerreport.blogspot.com/2025/02/the-bronzer-scale.html as the most likely prioritized and heavily discounted citizenship on the free market. 

According to White House officials, the funds raised will be used for “essential American priorities,” including a gold-plated wall around Washington, D.C., a nationwide renovation of all McDonald's playplaces, and a generous slush fund for “whatever Elon wants but doesn’t want to talk about.”

Benefits of the $5 Million Citizenship Plan:

✅ No Citizenship Test! (Because, let’s be honest, even native-born Americans struggle with that part.)
✅ Free American Flag Crocs! (While supplies last.  Only in size Men's 4 and 17)
✅ The Right to Vote! (Assuming elections still exist by then.)
✅ A Complimentary ‘I Overpaid for Citizenship’ Bumper Sticker!

Who’s Buying?

When initiated, the program is expected to see a surge in applications from billionaire expats, minor European royalty, and at least one cartoonishly evil movie villain looking to build a tax shelter. Meanwhile, middle-class Americans struggling with the price of groceries have responded to the plan with a mixture of laughter, tears, and a group petition to be allowed to sell their citizenship back for $5 million. This is currently under consideration by the White House (no it isn't).

Criticism? What Criticism?

While some critics have pointed out that this effectively turns the American Dream into an NFT with a passport, administration officials brushed off the concerns.

“Look, we’re just doing what we do best: putting freedom on the open market,” said one White House aide. “Besides, if you think this is bad, wait until we start auctioning off Senate seats on eBay.” A young blonde lady alleging to be a Presidential spokesperson said "99.8 percent of revenues will eventually be returned directly to the American citizens making less than 50K per year!" Then she said "psyche bitches! Just funnin ya!"  However, there will be one 2020 MAGA hat donated for every verified referral (only in sizes small and x-small, shipping of $29.99 and tariff of 5.99 applies)

America—where democracy and capitalism come together in ways no one asked for.