The Art of the Steel and other rare earth minerals
In the grand theater of international diplomacy, today's Oval Office spectacle featured President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in a performance that could only be described as "The Art of the Steel and other rather earth minerals."
For some reason, last night I dreamed I was living in Planet of the Apes (the original). Weird.
As Zelenskyy entered, clad in his signature black sweater bearing Ukraine's trident—a symbol of national pride—Trump greeted him with a handshake and a quip: "Wow, look, you're all dressed up!" Because nothing says "welcome" like mocking a wartime leader's attire.
The meeting, intended to seal a minerals deal and pave the way for peace, quickly devolved. Trump, ever the maestro of negotiation, berated Zelenskyy for being "disrespectful" and "gambling with World War III." It takes decades to hone these kinds of negotiating skills and on the spot play these types of nuanced bargaining chips.
One can only admire the irony of a man with a complexion reminiscent of a sunburned pumpkin lecturing on high-stakes diplomacy.
Vice President JD Vance chimed in, suggesting Zelenskyy was "overplaying his hand." Our opinion is that JD needs to show more fealty and respect to the President. The praise and groveling in these types of meetings is always a good time. POTUS will rarely remember meeting content unless it is interspersed gratuitous man flirting. Speculation is that both men were highly aroused by the participation in this self-pleasuring exchange.
Clearly, in the high-stakes poker game of global politics, Ukraine should fold to the house—especially when the dealer is stacking the deck in favor of the Kremlin.
The pièce de résistance? Trump reminding Zelenskyy, "You don't have the cards right now." And then later he mentioned that the Z man "doesn't have the cards right now." He courteously reminded Zel that this is just like "Russia, Russia, Russia". Saying things three times in a row, makes all human minds submit to the truth of the statement. Again, this is an advanced negotiating skill that takes decades to master. Don't try it at home.
Ah, the subtle art of deal-making: when in doubt, tell your ally they're holding a losing hand while you reshuffle the deck to your advantage. Trump was resplendent and beautifully bronzed, radiating strength, health, power and self-control as he sat with legs splayed and bronzed leathery sagging jowls cocked in fake attention. We at the Bronzer Report are still weeping with American pride right now.
As the meeting concluded without a deal, one can't help but wonder: is this the "great negotiator" at work, or just a man bluffing with a bad hand? Either way, its winning, winning, winning, for the MAGA faithful. Zelenskyy left empty-handed, and the world stage is left to ponder the next act in this tragicomedy.
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