The Unofficial Presidential Bronzing Report (TUPBR) - Mission Statement

Our commitment to you our faithful followers...

"With the accuracy of a mood ring, we promise to predict (110% accuracy) the actions of the Executive Branch of the US Government based on the daily bronzer applied by POTUS." NOTE: We will do this whenever we feel like it, and if we find the time.

Here at TUPBR (The Unofficial Presidential Bronzing Report), we go in depth on the POTUS's daily application of bronzer and other upper body and facial enhancers. Although we claim to be experts in "nothing at all", we know through our gut and prayer, that much is foretold through the POTUS intensely private (and sometimes event based) bronzer application regimen. It's a proverbial window to his soul (pun intended). We believe it has been unfairly ignored and thus highly undervalued by the fake news media and even credible sources like Fox News and OAN. Many bronzer details, when carefully examined, such as the thickness, shade, graininess, evenness etc., continuously reveal the inner mood as well as the current level of confusion, distrust, and self loathing of POTUS. Albeit the revelations are short lived, the cumulative data will accrue and we will ignore or use it as suits our purpose. And thus, with mood ring like accuracy, we will directly correlate this fleeting observable data to the emotional state and inner machinations of the enigmatic POTUS autodidactic intellect. There is no doubt that the fate of the republic, humanity, and dare we say the universe, hangs in the balance.

Fortunately for the faithful working in the shadow of his preeminence, we now have a small sliver of insight into an obviously divinely inspired and guided intellect of staggering magnitude and complexity. TUPBR (The Bronzer Report) will parse the highly complex and unpredictable actions of POTUS and his hand picked minions, through the whimsical lens of the POTUS paint tan. I can't remember if I stated this three times yet. F*ck it.

As previously mentioned (though it bares repeating at least three times) Donald Trump is a fabulously wealthy mercurial polymath. It is only fitting that he surrounds himself with those of like mind and ambition. We will keep an eye on his hand picked cabinet, as they too (if given the permission) may venture into political bronzing. As the project 2025 agenda takes root, the gushers of forthcoming ideas and proposals to return America to greatness and impending world dominance will be staggering to watch. We here at the Bronzer Report acknowledge that it already is.

These past few weeks have been like drinking the waters of Trump's ideas from a liberated California fire hydrant purging the copious amounts of H2O previously held captive and hoarded by the almond milk drinking libs and then piped to the Gulf of America. We here at TUPBR are committed to helping decipher this awesome journey in a bipartisan way that is deeply partisan. The team feels unbelievably blessed to be called to participate in the decoding of POTUS's grand mission via his man tan. We vow to "stay in our lane" and only do what we do best....and that its all in the tan... man! We earnestly pray for supernatural guidance on a daily basis, and are humbled to know we receive it in faith to provide this service in support of not only all freedom loving Americans, but also POTUS and his divinely anointed staff. No more braga, let's MAGA!