Donald Trump: The Bronzed Everyman President Who Just Happens to Live in a Gold-Plated Bubble
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s take a moment to appreciate the most relatable president in American history: Donald J. Trump. Yes, the man who embodies the struggles, dreams, and daily realities of the average middle-class American just like Fox News says every day. From his humble beginnings as a trust fund baby to his current status as a self-proclaimed billionaire, Trump has never lost touch with the common folk, or his deep love and concern for their well-being. Let’s explore what makes him just like you and me.
The Relatable Struggles of a Billionaire
We all know what it’s like to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think, “How can I make my face look more like a burnt Cheeto today?” Trump’s signature facial bronzer is a testament to his down-to-earth nature. While most of us settle for drugstore foundation, Trump spares no expense to achieve that perfect burnt umber glow. It’s a reminder that no matter how rich you are, everyone struggles with blending. We here at the Bronzer report can't remember how many times we've been at Costco, Walmart or Home Depot etc. and run into an older white gentleman going about their business, and pondered... "gosh, Fred really rushed his makeup this morning. I feel for ya bro, happens to me all the time."
And let’s not forget his incessant fixation on wealth. Who among us hasn’t casually mentioned our net worth in every conversation? Whether he’s bragging about the size of his bank account or the size of his… uh, hands, Trump’s obsession with money is something we can all relate to. After all, nothing says “middle-class values” like tweeting “I’m really rich” at 3 a.m.
The Everyman’s Lavish Lifestyle
Trump’s gold-plated toilet is the epitome of relatability. Sure, most of us have to make do with porcelain, but isn’t it inspiring to know that our president refuses to settle for anything less than 24-karat bathroom fixtures? It’s a reminder that no matter how humble your beginnings, you too can one day poop in luxury.
(Lady's you can skip this part) And let’s talk about his multiple foreign-born wives. Nothing says “average American family” like a series of glamorous Eastern European models. Trump’s marital history is a testament to his commitment to diversity and his ability to connect with people from all walks of life—especially if they’re former beauty queens.
A Man of the People’s Pop Culture
Trump’s appearances on the Howard Stern Show are a shining example of his relatability. Who among us hasn’t spent hours on radio shows discussing our sex lives, rating women’s appearances, and making questionable comments about our daughters? (Or at least thought about these things... be honest!) It’s just another way Trump shows he’s in touch with the everyday concerns of ordinary Americans.
Then there are his trips with Jeffrey Epstein. While most of us can only dream of rubbing shoulders with billionaires on private islands, Trump’s association with Epstein reminds us that he’s just a regular guy who enjoys the occasional jaunt to a tropical paradise with a convicted sex offender. It’s the kind of relatable behavior that makes you think, “Hey, if I paid a bit more attention to my tan and comb-over, that could be me!” POTUS was so sad when Jeff passed away so unexpectedly. Fortunately again DJT has done what every regular American would do when they lose a close friend... appoint Pam Bondi, a former lobbyist and registered foreign agent (Ballard) for Qatar and later a defense attorney for his own fake impeachment trial to find out what the heck happened.
A Sports Enthusiast Like No Other
Trump’s appearances on WWE are further proof of his everyman appeal. Who hasn’t dreamed of body-slamming a billionaire in front of a roaring crowd? Trump’s foray into professional wrestling shows that he’s not afraid to get down and dirty with the common folk. Plus, his signature move—the “Trump Tackle”—is a metaphor for his approach to politics: all spectacle, no fake moves. We here at the Bronzer Report just know in our gut that he's begged Dana White to get in the UFC cage as well, but for the safety of the UFC fighters that don't understand POTUS's 4D chess move big brain and freaky agility and conditioning, it would not be safe for the UFC challengers.
And let’s not forget his ownership of multiple golf courses. While most of us are lucky to hit the driving range once a month, Trump spends his weekends perfecting his swing at his own luxurious resorts. It’s a reminder that no matter how busy you are running the free world, you should always make time for leisure—preferably on a course you own. This saves the undeserving tax payers like you and me millions. Again, how lucky are we... that's all we can ask ourselves.
The Relatable President We Don’t Deserve
In conclusion, Donald Trump is the everyman president we’ve always wanted. His struggles with bronzer, his obsession with wealth, his gold-plated toilet, his foreign-born wives, his Howard Stern appearances, his Epstein trips, his WWE antics, and his golf courses all make him the most relatable leader in American history. He’s a living, breathing reminder that no matter how rich and famous you become, you can always stay grounded in the values that made you who you are: vanity, greed, and a love of spectacle.
So here’s to you, Mr. President. You may live in a gold-plated bubble, but in your heart, you’re just like the rest of us—only with luscious skin tone and better hair. Thank you Mister President.... thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
Stay golden (literally),
The Bronzer Report
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