Is mandatory self-tanning and facial bronzing part of the Project 2025 Agenda?
From time to time, we here at The Unofficial POTUS bronzing report (TUPBR) receive from our faithful readers (at last count we had 6 or 7) a question or two. Today we take time out to answer whether or not paint tan, facial bronzing or just plain baking your white skin in the sun is mandated in Project 2025. We asked Deep Seek AI, and what it returned made no sense at all. That's why we are sharing it like it's the gospel. Remember, the second coming is nigh, so melanoma is not necessarily an issue. Note: we are not medical doctors, so please don't take our advice, see your doctor. As always, you can also pray for guidance.
Welcome to the future, folks! It’s 2025, and the world has officially entered its Golden Era—literally. Thanks to the groundbreaking legislation known as Project 2025, everyone is now required to maintain a year-round tan. That’s right, folks: pale is out, and bronzed is in. Forever. (note: we could not actually find this in the Project 2025 document, we just feel in our gut that its true).
The government, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that the key to national unity, productivity, and overall happiness is ensuring that every citizen looks like they just stepped off a yacht in the Mediterranean. Whether you’re a farmer in Nebraska, a barista in Seattle, or a vampire in Transylvania (yes, even you, Vlad), you’d better start slathering on that SPF 4 and hitting the tanning beds.
Why Tanning?
According to the official Project 2025 press release (delivered, of course, by a spokesperson who looked like a human Dorito), the mandate is rooted in “scientific research.” Studies have shown that tanned individuals are perceived as 73% more attractive, 58% more successful, and 100% more likely to be cast in a reality TV show or ascend to political office. The government believes that by enforcing a universal tan, we can eliminate jealousy, boost self-esteem, and create a society where everyone looks like they’re on vacation 24/7.
Critics argue that the policy is discriminatory against naturally pale people, redheads, and anyone who lives in a place where the sun is a myth (looking at you, Seattle). But the government has a solution for that: Mandatory Tanning Stations (MTS). These state-of-the-art facilities will be installed in every town, offering free spray tans, UV beds, and complimentary cucumber water. Think of it as the DMV, but with better lighting.
The Tanning Hierarchy
Of course, not all tans are created equal. The Department of Tanning Affairs (DTA) has established a strict hierarchy to ensure fairness and consistency:
Level 1: “Sun-Kissed” – A subtle glow, perfect for office workers and librarians.
Level 2: “Beach Babe” – A medium bronze, ideal for teachers, nurses, and mid-level managers.
Level 3: “Caramel King/Queen” – A deep, rich tan reserved for CEOs, influencers, and anyone with a verified Instagram account.
Level 4: “Crispy” – Reserved exclusively for reality TV stars, Politicians and Florida residents over 50.
Failure to maintain your assigned tan level could result in fines, mandatory tanning boot camp, or—in extreme cases—being forced to wear a “Pale and Proud” badge in public. (Nobody wants that.)
The Challenges of a Tanned Society
While the benefits of Project 2025 are undeniable, there have been some… adjustment issues. For starters, the sudden demand for tanning products has caused a nationwide shortage of bronzer, leaving many citizens looking like streaky Oompa Loompas. Meanwhile, the vampire community has filed a class-action lawsuit, arguing that the policy violates their constitutional right to “sparkle in peace.”
There’s also the issue of identity. With everyone the same shade of golden brown, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to tell people apart. Dog owners are accidentally walking off with the wrong golden retrievers, and Tinder dates have become a game of “Guess Who?” But hey, at least we all look fabulous.
The Environmental Impact
Environmentalists have raised concerns about the ecological consequences of Project 2025. The sheer amount of sunscreen required to keep 330 million Americans bronzed is causing a run on coral reefs, which are now officially extinct. On the bright side, the ozone layer has never been thicker, thanks to all the aerosol spray tans floating into the atmosphere.
How to Survive the Tanpocalypse
If you’re struggling to adapt to this brave new world, here are some tips to help you thrive:
Invest in a good self-tanner. Trust me, you don’t want to end up orange. So far we've never witnessed it, but rumor is, that its possible.
Embrace the glow. Confidence is key, even if you look like a walking Cheeto.
Join a support group. There are now Tanaholics Anonymous meetings in every city.
Remember: it’s for the greater good. A tanned nation is a happy nation.
The Future is Bright (and Bronzed)
Love it or hate it, Project 2025 is here to stay. So grab your sunglasses, stock up on aloe vera, and get ready to glow. After all, in the words of the DTA’s official slogan: “Tan today, slay tomorrow.”
And if you’re still not on board? Well, there’s always Canada. But rumor has it they’re considering a mandatory plaid initiative in order to stun American's heading for their border. Choose your battles wisely.
Stay golden,
The Bronzer Report
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