Paula White (Don Johns spiritual adviser) is Golden Bronze. Hallelujah! Send money!
By: The Bronzer Report
It's Sunday, so I'm thinking about religious stuff. F*ck the Pope comes to mind. I mean this in the most respectful way, but what does he know about suffering and immigrants that Trump doesn't know? I bet POTUS is thinking this very exact thing. How many assassination attempts has he survived compared to POTUS? Don John marries them if he thinks they need help. Does the Pope know how hard it was to get Melania into the US of A on a fricking "genius" visa? I digress. In the pantheon of Trumpian alliances, few are as glorious as the "spiritual" mentorship of Donald J. Trump by Paula White, the prosperity gospel thought leader who makes most televangelists look like St. Francis of Assisi. Together, they form the ultimate holy grift duo (typo... I meant GIFT not GRIFT), grift grift grift (3 times makes it true)—she speaks in tongues, he speaks in lawsuits, and neither has ever read the Sermon on the Mount. And that is for good reason, as they are busy stocking up treasure in this life and in the next. Everyone knows, Jesus was a deal maker.
Let’s break down this divine comedy. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Ki6rbsV0irQ
1. Paula White’s ‘Heavenly’ Résumé
Before she was anointing Trump with holy oil (probably purchased wholesale from QVC at a TREMENDOUS Price), Paula White was best known for:
Prosperity Gospel Peddling: The sacred art of convincing poor people that God wants them to give her money. Is there any higher calling?
Speaking in Tongues: Her infamous YouTube clip sounds like a demonic auctioneer calling bids for souls.
Multiple Failed Marriages: Because nothing says "anointed woman of God" like a trail of ex-husbands and a theology degree from the University of Google.
Yet, the Lord stepped in, and she became Trump’s "spiritual adviser"—a title as meaningful as "Melania’s poetry consultant."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeVZWGa-wn42. That Cringe Interview Where Trump Admits He Doesn’t Know What ‘Faith’ Means
It is all explainable, just like that chat on Signal. In a now-legendary exchange, Paula sat down with Trump to discuss his "faith journey." The results were… illuminating:
Paula (with the perfect lead in): "How has your faith guided you?"
Trump (immediately): "Well, Paula, let me tell you about this incredible property deal I made in 1987—God was definitely in the room, probably because I was charging Him rent." Inspired for sure.
Paula (nodding reverently): "Amen. The Lord works through zoning laws."
Not once did she challenge him, correct him, or even mildly suggest that "faith" might involve something other than bragging about skyscrapers. Good call. Women are not to challenge, they should be in the kitchen or bedroom or preferably both at the same time. She doesn't want to come off as some plasticized paint tan whore that is grubbing for money. That would be a sin.
3. Christian Nationalists: Proudly Supporting a Man Who Can’t Name a Single Bible Verse
The MAGA faithful—many of whom claim to value "Christian morals"—somehow look at this partnership and think: "Yes, this is God’s chosen duo." A true test of their faith.
Trump: A man who famously said "Two Corinthians" and once confused communion wafers for free breadsticks.
Paula White: A woman who preaches that Jesus wants you rich (but only if you send her your stimulus check). The Lord obviously respects her candid and direct approach.
Together, they’ve perfected the Holy Gravy Train, where faith is measured in donations and divine intervention is just a tax break.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyzxGWgzxQ0
4. The Ultimate Irony: A ‘Spiritual Adviser’ Who Never Adviseth
Paula’s job isn’t to guide Trump toward repentance, humility, or basic human decency—it’s to bless his gift ( I mean grift, grift, grift) and reassure evangelicals that God definitely wants a thrice-married casino mogul running the country.
Need a prayer? She’ll shout in tongues! Angels from Africa will be released.
Need biblical justification for cruelty? She’ll twist Scripture like a pretzel!
Need someone to ignore Trump’s glaring lack of Christian behavior? POTUS has her on speed dial!
It’s the perfect combo: She gets clout, he gets cover, and the rubes get rapture-ready.
Conclusion: Praise the Lord (and Pass the Collection Plate)
In the grand tradition of American religious charlatans Paula White and Donald Trump are a match made in heaven—or at least in the VIP section of a Las Vegas megachurch fundraiser. She has saved him from all those fake Christians and their love of earthly riches and pleasure.
In Romans 12:2, the Apostle Paul says, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2 reminds believers of the importance of living a righteous life—one that is free of sin.
Well, Mission Accomplished! So next time you see Paula speaking in tongues (no way can you fake this) or Trump quoting "Two Corinthians," just remember: This is what Christian nationalism looks like. And if Jesus ever returns, He’s gonna need a flamethrower.
Amen? Amen.
P.S. If you enjoyed this post, consider sowing a seed into my ministry (Venmo: @thebronzerreport). God told me you’d give me money. I need a new pickup truck before all the tariffs hit. Don’t test Him. 😇🔥
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