RFK Jr.’s Quest for Bronze glory (And Why He Won’t Be Caught on the Golf Course)

 

Move over, Bronze Czar of America winning, winning, winning—there’s a new bronze contender in town, and his name is Robert F. Kennedy Jr.! As a previous political rival, the search for new ways to remain relevant abound.

No tan lines visible on RFK jr's face or physique. Just sayin... this is an old-school pre-cancer tan.

RFK Jr. has apparently decided that the path to Trump appeal lies not in policy, not in rhetoric, but in the all-important shade of one’s epidermis. Yes, the Kennedy scion has reportedly turned to aggressive sun-tanning regimens and cutting-edge hormone treatments to keep pace with the #47's signature orange glow. 

For years, Trump has commanded attention with the unwavering consistency of his hue—a radiant, sunset-adjacent glow that makes the average Floridian retiree look pale. RFK Jr., known for his environmental advocacy and crack pot conspiracy theories, has historically taken a more natural approach to life. But in the high-stakes world of American politics, natural just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Sources say RFK Jr. has been experimenting with an intricate routine of UV exposure, spray tanning, and possibly even beta-carotene overdoses in a bid to match Trump’s incandescent presence. This isn’t just about aesthetics—it’s about dominance. Studies (conducted by absolutely no one reputable) suggest that the electorate subconsciously equates a deep, leathery complexion with strength, leadership, and the ability to withstand direct sunlight for extended periods—a crucial skill in the modern political arena as recently confirmed by Ukrainian President V. Zelenskyy. Although V Zel obviously brims with courage, character, temperance, justice and an unwavering conviction to freedom, liberty, and democracy, these shallow values are deemed less foundational than a sexy and swarthy man tan. And rightly so!

But while Trump has another tool in his playbook—his legendary golf game—RFK Jr. refuses to step onto the green. Why? Could it be a principled stand against the manicured, pesticide-laden wastelands that environmentalists love to hate? A secret vendetta against plaid pants? Or, most likely, a well-founded fear that swinging a golf club would interfere with the delicate equilibrium of his newly optimized testosterone levels?

Insiders say Kennedy is instead engaging in alternative forms of exercise, such as shirtless wilderness runs and possibly chopping wood in slow motion, all of which serve the dual purpose of maintaining his rugged, outdoorsy image while avoiding the social quagmire that is the clubhouse brunch scene in Mirror Lago. And let’s be honest—when your new post is built around wellness and vitality, you can’t afford to be seen hunched over a Bloody Mary and a plate of eggs benedict after four hours of missing putts.

Will RFK Jr.’s commitment to extreme tanning and hormone optimization be enough to compete with Trump’s time-tested formula of golf course dominance and self-tanner aplomb? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain—if Trump's cabinet members are measured on sheer melanin levels and being super jacked with testosterone-fueled stamina, we may be witnessing the most physically prepared 70 year old cabinet member that is both wack a doodle crazy, yet strangely old-man hot and sexy at the same time. We can see why that actress that is his wife, ah what's her name... fuck it, I don't remember, RFK jr. trophy hollyweird blonde and botoxed wife lady. She's gotta be thrilled as to how its going so far. God Bless the USA!

Stay bronzed, stay bold, and may the best tan win.