The Unflushable Golden Toilet Connection: Why Trump’s DOJ Will Keep Epstein’s Secrets Buried (Along With the Bodies)

 

Let’s talk about Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein—the ultimate “billionaire” bromance that MAGA fans and Fox News conveniently forget whenever someone brings up all those really weird photos of them together. You know the ones: Trump grinning like a kid at a strip club, Epstein lurking like a guy who definitely doesn’t have a private island full of secrets.

Now, with the Epstein files still mostly redacted, one has to wonder: Why won’t Trump release the unredacted documents? Could it be because they’re both mentioned hundreds of times? Could it be because Trump’s own DOJ was in charge when Epstein "committed suicide" in a jail cell under highly suspicious circumstances? Nah, must just be a coincidence—like how Trump’s fake tan is coincidentally the same shade as a traffic cone.

Two Peas in a Creepy Pod

Trump and Epstein were so similar, it’s almost poetic:

• Loved hanging out with young, beautiful women (though Trump insists his were just pageant contestants—totally different!).
• Flew on private planes nicknamed after sex acts (Epstein’s Lolita Express vs. Trump’s Trump Force One, which is basically the same thing but with more hairspray).
• Had a habit of surrounding themselves with powerful men who later regretted knowing them (Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, and, oh yeah, Donald Trump).

Yet here’s the kicker: One died in a jail cell under Trump’s DOJ, and the other became president. Funny how that works.

The MAGA Memory Hole

The MAGA faithful have the selective recall of a goldfish. They’ll scream about Hunter Biden’s laptop until their faces turn red (or, in Trump’s case, more orange), but ask them about Trump’s decades-long friendship with Epstein and suddenly they’re deaf, dumb, and blind.

There are photos. There are flight logs. There’s even a quote from Trump himself in 2002: "I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side."

But sure, let’s pretend they were just golf buddies.

Why the Unredacted Files Will Never See Daylight

Trump had four years to release the full Epstein documents. He didn’t. Why? Because:

• His DOJ was in charge when Epstein "killed himself"—despite cameras mysteriously failing, guards conveniently falling asleep, and the whole thing smelling fishier than a Mar-a-Lago buffet left in the sun.
• He and Melania were in Epstein’s little black book—along with a who’s who of people who really don’t want this info public.
• The GOP’s entire strategy is projection—if they scream “Pizzagate” loud enough, maybe nobody will notice their guy was besties with an actual pedophile.

Conclusion: Nothing to See Here, Just Keep Clapping

Notice how Trump keeps saying "they really want to see all the Kennedy files?"  Who is they? I could give a crap about the Kennedy files, I've already seen 15 movies on the topic. Those people are dead and no longer tan.  I want to see the unredacted Epstein files. If I get to see those, I'll wear a red MAGA hat to the next Bernie Sanders and AOC rally.

At the end of the day, Trump will keep denying, deflecting, and bronzing, while his base keeps cheering, donating, and ignoring. The Epstein files will stay buried, the MAGA crowd will keep pretending they never saw those photos, and Trump will continue to tan like a rotisserie chicken left on high.

But hey—at least he looks fabulous doing it. But does he really?  Look at Melania's face next time she has to stand next to him.

Stay golden (and slightly incriminating),

The Satirical Scribbler