Karoline Leavitt Battles Demons (and Reality) in Holy War for Donor Cash

 

The Bronzer Report believes that POTUS does not allow the Press Secretary to use his bronzer. But if she did, our experts re-touched this photo to show readers just how stunning she could look. We also recommend one of Pete Hegseth's "Christian Tattoos" on the neck could be a nice touch.

For context, readers might enjoy this article from USA Today...https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2025/03/31/trump-conservative-women-vance-leavitt-noem/82673674007/  Where the conservative female pundit writes about the unfair treatment and characterization by Demoncrates of conservative women for team Trump.  We hope that the following will help clarify... but we are not going to hold our breath.  Read on faithful bronzers...

In a world teetering on the brink of nuclear war, climate collapse, and the inevitable return of frosted tips, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt has identified the real threat to America: spiritual warfare. Yes, folks, while you were worrying about rent and healthcare, Leavitt was busy warning CBN (Christian Broadcast Network) this past weekend, that the forces of darkness are lurking—probably in the form of NPR subscribers and people who use pronouns. You can watch the whole interview here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0XcPiinHxU

But fear not! Because standing between Satan and the White House is none other than Paula White, the prosperity gospel’s answer to a late-night infomercial. You may remember her as Donald Trump’s personal holy hotline—a woman who once anointed him with enough divine favor to produce four indictments (clearly, God works in mysterious ways).

The Seven Supernatural Swindles

White, ever the spiritual entrepreneur, has unveiled her latest holy grift: Pay $1,000, Get Seven Miracles™. That’s right—for the low, low price of a rent check, you too can unlock:

1. An angel assigned to you (Terms and conditions apply. Angel may be overworked and underpaid.)

2. God being an enemy to your enemies (Finally, divine vengeance on your HOA president.)

3. Prosperity (Paula’s definition, not yours.)

4. Sickness removed from you (Unless it’s pre-existing. Or requires actual medicine. Amputee's should lower their expectations.)

5. Long life (Results not guaranteed. See: COVID, cheeseburgers, and fate.)

6. Increase and inheritance (Mostly for Paula.)

7. A special year of blessing (May include: mild serotonin boost, a tax refund, or absolutely nothing.)

This isn’t just any old scam—oh no. It’s biblically backed! White cites Exodus 23, where God commands Passover observance. Conveniently, she skips the part where God doesn’t say, "Thou shalt Venmo me for miracles. PayPal and direct reoccurring bank account debits are also accepted ."

Leavitt’s Holy Mission

The CBN interview was incredibly hard hitting, with zero softball questions. While she was being brutally grilled by the CBN interviewer, Karoline Leavitt, ever the faithful hype-woman, praised White’s "incredible work" in the White House Faith Office. Because nothing says separation of church and state like a government official shilling for a televangelist who sells blessings like Elon sells flamethrowers.

When asked if this was just a cash grab disguised as Christianity, Leavitt likely clutched her pearls and whispered, "The devil is a liberal accountant." PTL

Final Thoughts

In a time of economic despair, it’s heartwarming to see the White House’s faith outreach focus on the truly needy: televangelists in need of another private jet.

So if you’re struggling this Passover, remember: God helps those who help Paula White’s bank account. And if the blessings don’t come? Well, maybe you just didn’t believe hard enough—or worse, you forgot to "sow your seed" (a phrase that sounds way dirtier than holy).

Amen? Or oh, man… this is embarrassing.

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