Pete Hegseth blows it (again)

 

Credit to "the Onion", one of our favorite media outlets (highly reliable fact based reporting) for this shot of Petey H, blowing into a breathalyzer so he can access his dumb phone.

By: FedUpWithClowns

Ladies, gentlemen, and deeply concerned citizens—hold onto your security clearances, because Pete Hegseth has done it again! That’s right, America’s favorite Fox News dropout-turned-DoD-official has reportedly bungled classified information yet again, proving once more that in Trump World, competence is optional but loyalty is mandatory (and even that’s negotiable if you’re willing to kiss ass hard and deep enough).

Now, let’s be clear: If you or I—mere mortals who don’t have a golden ticket from the MAGA fairy—so much as thought about leaving a classified document in the wrong drawer, we’d be sharing a cell with a guy named “Shiv” before the ink dried on our indictment. But Pete? Oh no, Pete gets to shrug, flash that vacant cable-news grin, and keep failing upward like a true Trump-era success story whilst gayly attending the White House easter shit show.

Remember when Trump promised to hire only “the best people”? Well, Pete Hegseth is living proof that what he meant was “the best people… at being the worst.” This is a man whose resume reads like a cautionary tale: from embarrassing himself on Fox News to somehow being entrusted with national security secrets, despite the apparent inability to grasp basic operational security. It’s almost impressive—like watching a raccoon repeatedly try to open a locked trash can, except the raccoon would eventually learn, and Pete… does not.

And let’s not forget the broader picture here: Trump’s cabinet was less a collection of brilliant minds and more a Survivor season where the prize was “who can do the most damage before being fired or indicted.” If Trump had just picked his advisors at random from a Salvadorian prison (you know, the same one he’s been dumping migrants in without due process?), we’d at least have gotten people who understand consequences. Instead, we got Pete—a man whose grasp on classified material is about as firm as Trump’s grasp on reality.

So here’s to you, Pete Hegseth—living proof that in the right administration (read: the wrong one), failure isn’t just an option, it’s a prerequisite. Keep those secrets loose, king creepo. The rest of us will just sit here, watching in awe, wondering how many more national security lapses it’ll take before someone remembers that accountability means less chance of having to find the nuclear codes... you careless, inebriated dumb ass.

Final Thought: Maybe the real classified information was the friends we lost along the way… or maybe it’s just Pete leaving sensitive docs in a Denny’s bathroom again. We report, you decide.

#DumpsterFireAdministration #PeteHegsethIsBadAtHisJob #ButHeyAtLeastHesNotJared