Trump’s Tariffs: A Divine Plan to Kickstart Armageddon (Because Nothing Says ‘Christian Values’ Like Economic Suicide)
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round and behold the latest chapter in Donald Trump’s Masterclass in How to tank the market and Alienate Economies—his glorious, galaxy-brained tariff policy! That’s right, folks, the man who famously declared “trade wars are good, and easy to win” is back at it, slapping tariffs on everything from Chinese steel to Canadian maple syrup (because nothing says “America First” like starting a fight with a country that puts bacon in donuts). This will go just as well a Trump Casinos, Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Mortgage, Trump Ice, and blah blah blah, on and on. Think I'm joking? Look it up, this isn't even a complete list.
The Art of the (Tariff) Deal
Trump’s approach to tariffs is simple:
Bullshit about how they work. (They’re not taxes on Americans, silly! They’re magic money that China just hands us while crying.)
Ignore history. (Ever heard of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act? Of course not! It only helped turn a recession into the Great Depression, but hey, details!)
Pretend retaliation won’t happen. (Foreign leaders are just going to thank him for making their exports more expensive. Very stable diplomacy!)
And the best part? When other countries dare to fight back with their own tariffs, Trump acts shocked—like a toddler who just discovered that punching a wall hurts his own hand. Who could have predicted this?!
From Trade Wars to Real Wars (Because Jesus Would Want It That Way?)
Now, for our dear Christian nationalist friends who think Trump is God’s chosen vessel to bring about the End Times—congratulations! You might finally get your wish! History shows that tariff wars often escalate into actual wars, because nothing unites humanity like mutually assured economic destruction.
1930s: Smoot-Hawley tariffs helped deepen global misery, paving the way for, oh, just a little thing called World War II.
Now: Trump’s tariffs are destabilizing global trade, pissing off allies and enemies alike, and—if we’re really blessed—might just set the stage for the Biblical showdown you’ve been drooling over!
Praise be! Nothing says “family values” like cheering for a man whose policies could trigger global conflict. But hey, at least the libs will own the cons, right?
Why Reciprocal Tariffs Are Doomed (A self proclaimed genius's Explanation)
Let’s break this down for the MAGA faithful who still think tariffs are free money:
China slaps tariffs on U.S. goods.
U.S. farmers/auto workers lose billions.
Trump bails them out with taxpayer money (socialism for thee, not for me!).
Prices rise, inflation surges, and Walmart shoppers wonder why everything’s suddenly made of cardboard.
Rinse and repeat until the economy resembles a GameStop stock chart.
But don’t worry—Trump will just bullshit and say it’s all going great while his cult nods along, ignoring the fact that their grocery bills now require a second mortgage and their first mortgage is underwater.
Final Thought: Armageddon Has Never Been So Profitable (For Trump)
In conclusion, Trump’s tariff crusade is a masterstroke of idiocy—a self-own so spectacular that future economists will study it as The Dumbest Possible Timeline. But for the Christian nationalists praying for the Rapture? Rejoice! Your guy is doing his best to speedrun the apocalypse. For Trump though, it may make other countries prone to trying to bribe him, or become a boot licker. This makes Trump feel all warm and gooey inside.
So grab your gold-plated Bibles, stock up on canned beans, and prepare for the End Times—brought to you by a man who can’t even spell “reciprocal,” let alone understand it.
God bless America (because at this rate, nobody else will).
Mic drop. 🎤💥
Comments
Post a Comment