Welcome to Trumpistan: The Doomsday Kleptocracy
A Satirical Survival Guide for the Post-Truth Apocalypse
Chapter 1: The Supreme Leader Speaks (And It’s Absolute Nonsense)
Trump, what a great sense of humor. When I think of the Donald, that's the first thing I think of. What a self deprecating and hilarious leader he is. Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round the golden trough of wisdom, for your beloved Dear Leader has spoken! And by "spoken," we mean he’s just bellowed a series of disconnected phrases like “Bigly beautiful walls!”, “The best economy, maybe ever!”, and “I don’t even know who Terry Moran is—sounds like a loser!” Oh yeah, and the Declaration of Independence is "about love and unity." If you say so sir.
But fear not, citizens of Trumpistan! The MAGA faithful will nod along, clutching their Official Trump bitcoin, because in this glorious kleptocracy, reality is whatever He says it is. The sky is green, water is dry, and every criticism is just “Trump Derangement Syndrome”
Fact Check: The sky is, in fact, still blue—but only because the Trump administration hasn’t yet found a way to monetize it.
Chapter 2: The Cabinet of Clowns (Fox News Rejects & Grifters Extraordinaire)
Behold, the “best people”—a rotating cast of Fox News alumni, failed MyPillow spokesmodels, and whichever sycophant last whispered “You’re the smartest, sir” into Trump’s ear.
Secretary of Education: The wife of WWE founder Jim McMahon. All Star wrestling is real.
Secretary of Health: RFK jr. who is a certifiable wack nut and anti-vaxxer on testosterone
Secretary of Energy: Wright, the founder-CEO of Liberty Energy, has called climate activists alarmist and likened Democrats' push for renewables to Soviet-style communism.
Secretary of Truth (unofficial): Tucker Carlson, now broadcasting nightly from a bunker, ranting about actually wrestling super natural "demons" that he defeated in his bed while his wife and dogs slept. He has the physical scars to prove it, but is to modest to show his hot marshmallow bod.
Each more unqualified than the last, yet all united in their mission: grift, gaslight, and golf.
Pro Tip: If a cabinet meeting ends without at least three indictments and a MyPillow promo code, did it even happen?
Chapter 3: The Cult of MAGA (Jim Jones, But With More Fast Food)
The parallels between Trump and Jim Jones are uncanny:
Blind Devotion? Check.
Paranoid rants about enemies? Check.
Followers drinking the Kool-Aid? Well, in this case, it’s Diet Coke and covfefe, but close enough.
The MAGA faithful would march into a volcano if Trump told them it was “the best volcano, very classy, very smart.” And when the economy crashes (again), when the walls close in (again), when the latest “big beautiful healthcare plan” turns out to be “just scribbles on a napkin”—they’ll still scream:
“Fake news! He’s playing 4D chess!”
Reminder: In a real cult, at least the leader pretends to care about you.
Chapter 4: The Kleptocracy Is Thriving (For Them, Not You)
While the average American is choosing between “rent or a carton of eggs,” the Trump administration is busy:
Privatizing the White House (Now a Mar-a-Lago timeshare!)
Selling pardons (Black Friday deals: Buy one, get one free!)
Replacing the Constitution with Trump’s Greatest Tweets (Vol. 7)
Bitcoin Trump's private coin his an untraceable funnel of bribe money. Trump is now an actual billionaire.
It’s not corruption—it’s “disruptive innovation.”
Fun Fact: Trump’s tax plan now allows billionaires to pay in exposure and thoughts & prayers.
Final Thoughts: How to Survive Trumpistan
Stock up on canned goods (and also lawyers).
Avoid fact-based arguments (they’re considered hate speech).
Remember: This is fine. Everything is fine.
Signing off from the burning wreckage of democracy,
Your Trusted Trumpistan Correspondent
P.S. Don’t forget to like, share, and pray for Hunter Biden’s laptop (remember when that was a thing?).
Disclaimer: This blog is satire. Probably. At this point, who even knows anymore? 😂
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